Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…

Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..

Driveway when it snows

Grandpa: Music today is terrible

Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*

Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*

I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”

*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*

Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*

Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*

*survives trip to grocery store

*checks in as “safe” on Facebook

future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming

Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– Poetry

Things that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.

GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie

ME: …

G: Only u didn’t give it to me

M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair

With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.

Me: *walks into room*

My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.

Me: *walks back out of room*

[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*

What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon

[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary

OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?

Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.

The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.

🤣🤣🤣

I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”

I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦

I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.

the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air

Me: Hello darkness, my old friend

Darkness: *rolls eyes*

If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.

I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich

By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.

boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA

[later]

cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary

I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.

I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.

After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.

Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.