Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.

The Weeknd is back

My license has hair and eye color listed as “BRO” and I’m like… 😎 I know right.

I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.

me: do you want to play some ps4?

frenchman: oui

me: no we only have the playstation

Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them

Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow

A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.

Me: How do I beat the bully?

Dad: Just punch him

Me: I am not doing that

Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him

Me: So like an uppercut?

Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?

Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]

6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!

Story time

“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”

Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?

Original Oreos.

I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…

*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea

HR: Punching colleagues is wrong

Me: But he drank from my mug

HR: That doesn’t allow you to—

M: I’d just filled it with gin

HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—

M: —ger beer…

HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!

Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder years

Wonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn

Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?

Him: Just flush him down the toilet

Me: Gotcha. And the fish?

Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?

Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.

Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie

Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.

If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.

STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.

What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog

Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard

when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures

JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free

ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY

Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running

John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!

Anybody: I’d be happy to—

John Lennon: Not just anybody!

Anybody: Okay then.

I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?

If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.