Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*
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Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages
[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!
[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
I want a president who promises no jobs. I don’t want to have a job
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
My dad after seeing my solo show this weekend:
“you know, that easily could have been a Netflix special … The quality on those has really gone down a lot”
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
I translated it for you because it’s just the funniest dialog
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
The horror of touching the spoon on the bin when disposing of a tea bag.
Another spoon will now be on stirring duty. A pure spoon.
I’m never leaving this app.
Your secret is safeish with me
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
why would tinder want me to say this
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
Heard there was a new crazy RFK Jr story and then looked it up and was like, “Oh. He just had an affair.”
That’s normal terrible rich guy shit. I thought I was gonna find out he tried to put a gorilla in a Han Solo carbonite machine or something.
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.