Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
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Always be kind. You never know who might own a jacuzzi.
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
Passed by an electrician’s truck that said “No job, too small” with the comma… sorry little buddy 🥺
Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day
Me before grocery shopping: healthy foods, no impulse buys, I can do this
Me during grocery shopping: they make chocolate filled marshmallows???
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
whenever i wake up before my alarm
At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD