Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner

The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.

If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?

You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?

That’s the whole month of January for me

Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.

picture a potato but sexy

lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked

You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.

I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.

*pogo stick inventor* I got you.

“I’d do okay in prison,” I say, absently wiping down the lid of a soup can because a rat may have scampered across it somewhere in the supply chain

Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative

“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.

“Excited to be here!” I tell him.

The host eyes me. “Are you?”

My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.

“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.

GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations

MOSES: no way

GOD: yahweh

MOSES: ok so what is it

me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]

ME: *showing my new girlfriend my golf clubs* I’ve been playing for years.

HER: Cool. Did you ever get a hole-in-one?

ME: No, they’re made of metal so they’re pretty strong.

HER: I need to see other people

Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.

Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.

Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.

What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.

What I should have said: I’ll do better.

What I actually said: You should see my kids.

Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”

I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.

I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.

[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*

I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726

[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]

ME: oh no, is it my time?!

GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…

I never dropped acid in college but I did drop American Lit, Intro to Philosophy, General Chemistry and Phys Ed.

Someone in their late 20s giving advice to someone in their early 20s is exactly like when a toddler is obsessed with a newborn

I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.

We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.

I just won the traveling with kids lottery.

Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing

Said hello to someone, they didn’t hear me, immediately assumed it was some sort of sixth sense situation

I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.

My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.