Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo

Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?

Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.

me: I’m not feeling well

doctor: take your glove off

I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.

There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.

I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.

5: “Mommy why not?”

Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”

5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”

My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there

69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.

British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins

awkward

me: it’s recommended that to relieve stress you leave your desk and take a walk

boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days

Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?

Me: *panicking* coniferous

You don’t use a semicolons correctly; you use a semicolon confidently.

ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that

God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?

Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.

Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?

Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.

Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.

Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.

My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂

I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.

The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”

BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.

You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.

Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.

me: *barges into the room*

How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!

The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.

My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear

Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid

My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.

*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*