Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee

21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one

A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.

Super Hand Dog Face

Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth

I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body

Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.

I’m at the farmers market- anybody need any farmers?

Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?

I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.

White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere

Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.

How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?

once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”

Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?

A devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other and they’re both equally responsible for me failing my maneuverability test

Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes

My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing

Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?

Me: Please face the front

Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.

Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.

American voters doing the deep research today before voting.

*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.

Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.

teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring

[me talking to someone one year younger than me]

listen, kid…

Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.

Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.

The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..

Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!

Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.

Best Halloween yard decorations 😂

I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.