Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?

Me: yeah looks like it

Im sick of the microsoft authenticator like who would be logging in to do my work? Tf 😭😭😭😭

Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one

Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication

Me: Why am I not surprised

Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication

When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself

” What would Homer Simpson do?”

I will cook for you

-me, threatening

To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.

Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed

Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?

Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.

This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.

Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge

Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.

Me: I am a logical and rational fully grown adult.

Also me: I must run as fast as I can up the stairs after I’ve switched the light off at night so no monsters can grab me by the ankles.

My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting

Me: I miss traffic and people

Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS

At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.

A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.

I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.

Be the elephant you wish to see in the room.

I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face

Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks

taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.

Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”

My boss called in sick of me

my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs

Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)

if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument

parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it

gollum: *coughs on ring*

frodo: you know what, keep it

Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’