Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)

3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?

Me: Heaven.

3: I don’t want to go there.

Me: Why not?

3: It’s full of dead people.

It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.

Being Tall:

Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.

Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*

If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.

I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.

ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5

12YO: that’s not how it works

ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?

12YO: both?

Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?

Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.

If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.

they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck

Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you

[shakes fist at other fist]

detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding

me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where

The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.

By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.

(Job interview)

“How would you describe yourself?”

I’m very vague

“Ok, can you be more specific?”

No

When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.

my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.

If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING

One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.

I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!

Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.

me: hey can i get some ground?

groundhog: you may not.

Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.

All of the good tweets are either married or gay.

It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.

The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.

Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?

Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.

[sketchy parking lot]

stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?

me: maybe if i get a running start