Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*

Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*

Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*

Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.

Also kids: ALREADY?!?

M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!

H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!

M: Never mind, carry on.

My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.

Love when a doctor emails me about my “outstanding bill” if it’s so good why don’t YOU pay it

DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?

ME: that’s literally all I drink

[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift

Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish

Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?

Me: I own a house.

Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.

The Eggorcist

We’re finally out of lockdown!!!

Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.

Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it

-yard sale

Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.

When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.

Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.

When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.

Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.

Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?

Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.

Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.

a fool and his money are hey new iphone

judge: i hold you in contempt

me: get in line, pal

me: hi do you take walk-ins?

groundskeeper at the cemetery: what?

What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock

Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.

Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart

Me: it’s pandamonium!

Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]

*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*

Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]

*catches keys in my mouth*

I finally gave up telling my Boomer mum there’s no fine for not rewinding the movie after watching it anymore… Netflix have people who do that after you go to bed, mum!

My wife has us watching so many crime documentaries, I swear I’ve seen a drone shot of every small-town water tower in America.

If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.

bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot

Me: I would love to sleep with you

Her: ok I think we’re ready for this

[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]