Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Business owners’ worst nightmare would be if sign twirlers unionized. Those people excel at holding signs. Their picket lines would be spectacular.

Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)

Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary

Employee: sir, this is a haunted house

Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary

If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.

Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.

I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer

[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN

When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings

When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?

2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.

2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.

It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.

My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.

My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse

Tip for twitter newbies:

Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.

Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?

How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?

8 to reassure the public
7 to blame the other side
5 to form a conspiracy
3 to debate its importance
2 to sabotage the lightbulb
1 to screw the lightbulb into the toilet bowl and declare the problem solved

5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.

Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.

st pete:

me:

st pete:

me: was it my browser history?

st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY

[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police

HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.

For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.

[The Last Supper]

Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.

teacher: where is your assignment?

me: my dog ate it-

[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]

me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.

Top Five Accountant Taboos:

5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex

I did NOT need to see this today!!!!

COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.

CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.

Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.

[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]

My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.

Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.