Ancient Romans: uh oh there’s someone at the door
Buffy, the Empire Slayer: knock knock
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My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s amore.
When you swim in the sea and an eel bites your knee, that’s a moray.
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
so much to do
My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
Put my back out twerking in the library again
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.