Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.

Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.

A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.

And you’ve got two faces.

[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it

“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*

friend: this has been the worst day of my life

me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR

Doctor’s office: We need to reschedule your June 10 physical, next available is July 20th.

Me: Sorry, I will be out of town

Office: (irritated) Well, are there any days you ARE available?

Me: I’m free June 10.

you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid

Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold

“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”

-3 year olds

I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.

Dude acted like he’s never seen a guy eating a rotisserie chicken in the hotel sauna before.

It finally happened.

After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.

Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.

Wife: what are you doing

Me: teaching the dog poker

Wife: where are your pants

Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago

me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?

therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy

CNN: The alien invasion has begun

British person: I’ll put the kettle on

As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.

I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.

I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.

Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!

Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.

But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.

I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”

There stupid…

If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.

In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.

My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.

*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit

Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.

If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.

Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.