Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?

ME: slowly

7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?

Architect: so for the bathroom-

Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable

Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap

Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.

Wedlock even sounds like a threat.

My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream

Never thought owning a bakery would have me handwrite love letters for long distance couples sending each other breads but here I am. This is literally the thirdest I’ve ever wheeled without even being even there

“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”

Can you please stop being so melondramatic.

In a parallel universe a group of mystery solving sasquatch teens are unmasking The Velma that’s been chasing them all night.

Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.

Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!

Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.

I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.

Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼

I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.

I really miss my family

sized bag of peanut butter m&ms

If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.

Dr Mario: you have a tumor

me: two more what

Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?

A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.

Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.

I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.

Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?

I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp

Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age

Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.

25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.

Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism

British people

Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’

Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.

I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them

Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.

I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up

me: brush your teeth

my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth