Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.

I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician

Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.

Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?

Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!

[job interview]

“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”

Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?

Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.

Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.

[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT

please stop calling 911 when you see me dancing. i’m fine!

I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between

When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.

I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.

There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.

America has a lot of faults as a country but we absolutely went off with garbage disposals in our kitchen sinks. “just use a food catcher?? scrape the food into the trash???” thank u Europe but we actually put loud finger-ripping chainsaws in our drains god bless❤️

I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing

[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park

we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.

People on Facebook be like “can anyone tell me about a thing I can easily Google myself?”

*takes the high road*

*gets altitude sickness*

….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”

Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later

I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”

Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.

Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull

waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?

me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?

Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?

Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.

[blind date]

HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?

ME: Absolu-

WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?

HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan

ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan

‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already

“Okay Benjamin, now I need you to go outside, point your nose up at the sky, and slowly start turning around. I’ll yell when I get a good signal.”