Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.

When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.

TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.

Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.

The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.

Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman

Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfish

Fin

I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.

If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.

[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”

My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.

I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.

But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers

Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter

[reverse psychology résumé]

Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)

Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan

Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts

That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.

When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.

I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it

Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.

Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.

Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.

Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.

*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.

Me:

One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master

He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”

She: “Gnocchi dokey.”

#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes

ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing

[Emergency Room]

MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?

DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy

No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.

a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS