And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
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Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
Oh hi lol
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
why would I work from home when i don’t even work from work
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.
All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried