And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
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Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
Currently experiencing the worst thing that can happen to a person (folding laundry)
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
Yeah. I got blocked on ours for being sarcastic.
They all got panicked about an Asian guy in a van following kids around slowly. It was the Amazon guy delivering parcels.
Next day I started a post about a bloke with a red van putting stuff through people’s doors. Blocked.
anon_opin 😡🗯
@anon_opin
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.