Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Never forget.

I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?

i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”

ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!

Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.

Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.

Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.

I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.

it’s the baby’s birthday! i say happy birthday!!! he says “it feels so nice to be 6 again”

😃 what 😃 do 😃 you 😃 mean 😃 sir

my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies

I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.

Why did they call it a Megalodon and not a Sea-Rex

I wrote out SOS with M&M’s

Five minutes later

I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s

I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed

Thank heavens for community notes

Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda

My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:

“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”

Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history

*wear sunscreen*

*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*

*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*

Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.

*donates body to science*

Science: “I have a boyfriend”

[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”

my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband

Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.

Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.

one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.

Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there

Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?

Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.

The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.

You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .

me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .

just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf