… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
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You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
me when I leave a friend on read: They get it. I’m overwhelmed. I isolate. I need a day to think. The kids keep me busy. I’ve got 7 appointments this week. They understand.
me when a friend leaves me on read: OMG THEY HATE MY GUTS
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.