… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
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Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
A tanning bed that turns you over like a rotisserie chicken.
Where are you going, sharks? I’m not done.
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”
Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.