and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
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There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
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The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
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stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier
Wait a minute
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Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*