Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.

I will punch you in the face.

OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.

[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip

The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.

I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.

Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?

Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.

BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.

local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application

Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.

6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.

“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!

I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”

Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.

I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.

Classic German Shepherd 😂

i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help

[God creating humans]

God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc

Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?

God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol

– at a ramen restaurant –

Me: slurp

Me: sluuurp

Me: slur-

Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet

Me: im practicing leave me alone

Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.

Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.

like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)

math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class

boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am

My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.

I was eating sour haribo sweets at the movies one time and I rubbed my eyes and my mates have teased me for years about “crying” over a fucking Avengers movie

Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.

I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.

I was born to run.

When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe

According to this box of macaroni and cheese, I am an entire family.

I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.

Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.