and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
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A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?
Word.
~ Microsoft.
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
Me: Yes and No.
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
*pronounces surface like Versace*
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best