Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
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The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?
ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.