Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

computer: choose a password

me: TheScarletLetter

computer: password cannot contain symbols

Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??

KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed

It’s not you, it’s me.

-Twins looking through old photographs.

My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar

Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?

Cop: Why did you burn that building down?

Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.

Cop: You’re free to go.

– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_

– MILKMAN!!

– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”

i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021

looking for:

⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out

My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.

I asked him how he was coping.

He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.

Wife: please stop eating so much salt.

Me: why?

Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.

Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?

Wife: [pours more salt on my food].

*crashes your wedding

Why aren’t you answering my DM?!

asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny

[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up

There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.

There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.

Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose

Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot

My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon

I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.

I can’t cook dinner if the can opener is broken, so I drove over it a few times just to make sure.

My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?

Me:

Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.

A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.

Mobster: we need to set up a shell company

Lobster: let me handle this, boss

I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.

Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.

“What was your favorite part of the trip?”

My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”

What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!

Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.

if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache

My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt