… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
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The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
Don’t worry, if your parachute doesn’t deploy you have the rest of your life to fix it
#OneLiner
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.