… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
You Might Also Like
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”
This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.
[first day as a mover]
boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.
me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
stop
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
Sometimes, I have to remind myself that just because my 13yo is much taller than me doesn’t mean he’s in charge.
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
Me: All these people posting wacky things they did in lockdown. I WAS TOO BUSY.
Also Me: *remembering the household playing ‘Hide the Onion’, where one person hides an onion & if you find the onion, you declare the onion found & re-hide the onion. This went on for 2 months*
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.