… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
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Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.
There’s also a horrible time.
Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit