And bowling should be called pinball
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I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
I just tried to poach an egg and I now understand why eggs Benedict is $24
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help
Everyone is entitled to a couple conspiracy theories, but is safe to say Elvis is probably dead by now?
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.
Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.
FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—
Me: 8PM.