And bowling should be called pinball
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Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.
Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.
Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
[at the top of mt everest]
friend: i can’t believe we did it!
me: i know!
friend: what do you think of the view?
me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.
[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
I say this a lot, but for someone who loves food as much as I do, you would think I would love going to the grocery store
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
My neighbors were arguing and I opened the door to see what was going on and the lady was like “Lower your voice neighbors can hear you” and the man was like “MAN F*CK THAT NOSY A** LADY”
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.