And bowling should be called pinball
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beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
I’m summoning a demon to do my bidding
– shady
– overused
– raises questionsI’m utilizing my delegating skills by reassigning my tasks to otherworldly beings
– sensible
– professional
– demonstrates great time management
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
If you love someone, let them sleep.
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
old lady: that’s not necessary
me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
*seductively peels off lederhosen
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.