And bowling should be called pinball
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Hang in there buddy
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
I’m going to tell people they’ve put on weight while handing them a plate of food, so I can be my mom for Halloween.
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
me after i passed that state trooper
[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
The grocery store accidentally included chlorine tablets in our order, we don’t have a pool so I guess the kids are getting extra clean in the bath tonight
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.