And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
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I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
Bobby pin
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
Rude much 😂😂😂
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
doctor: whats the problem?
me: my right leg is missing
doctor: no problemo
me:
doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg
me: my left leg is missing now
doctor: no problemo
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?
Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.
Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:
HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK