And can’t believe that neither of them is even the one with brain worms.
![]()
You Might Also Like
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
How to use a credit card machine:
1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!
guy: excuse me, can you jump my car
me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it
guy: no like-
me: *handing phone* take a video
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
![]()
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
ME: So you’re into football?
DATE: I’m a big Eagles fan.
ME: Omg same. I just love how they rescued Frodo from that mountain.
HER: I need to see other people.
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
Me: Look to my left.
Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?
Me: I don’t like to share.
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.