And can’t believe that neither of them is even the one with brain worms.
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Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
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me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
i broke into my neighbors house and put one (1) pringle in their bag of lays potato chips
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband
Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?
Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis
Priest: that’s not really-
Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”
Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away