And can’t believe that neither of them is even the one with brain worms.
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“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
It’s almost ten o’clock, time for me to go outside and hit this big sheet of metal with a hammer in the parking lot for an hour and then turn my car alarm on
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island