… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
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*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
If you get bit by a radioactive cicada, you can only fight crime every seventeen years.
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.
Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
mission: save the cat
obstacles: the cat
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
SNAIL: I’m a turtle?
GOD: No, you’re a snail
SNAIL: I have a shell
GOD: Yup
SNAIL: and I move really slowly
GOD: Yeah, all the time
SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?
GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u