… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
You Might Also Like
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
sisyphus was lowkey stupid just pushing that boulder over and over again 🙄🙄🙄 anyway this is the 15th time i reset my password this year but i do not need to write it down because this time i will for SURE remember it
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
I am patiently waiting for your email
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
I think young people aren’t hooking up as much bc you can watch videos on your phone now anywhere. In my day you had to ask someone to go back to your room to watch a funny video on your laptop. Then you watched all 6 funny videos on YouTube and were like “I guess we could kiss?”
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
my friend accidentally liked someone’s very old photo on instagram when she was doing a deep scroll, panicked, n immediately CHANGED HER NAME AND PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM LIKE ASSUMED AN ENTIRELY NEW IDENTITY N GAVE HERSELF A NAME LIKE FRANK B. JONES JUST SO THE PERSON WOULDN’T NOTICE
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.