… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
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Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?
Me: *winks*
-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.
Be the lemon you want the world to hand you.
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
Cheers Twitter.
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine