…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
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I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
prepare for carbonated trouble
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?
Me: Is it already—
7: It’s already on my finger, yes.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
no one ever comes back
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*