…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
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I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
New librarian said “I haven’t worked much with youth. How do you tell tweens from teens?”
“You know they’re tweens if they gather loudly around the computers and horse around in the restrooms.”
“And the teens?”
“You can tell they’re teens if they’re not here in the library.”
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
Buck naked
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
gonna be honest, yes the bear story is odd… but also, I find nothing more relatable than making things worse by oversharing.
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please
“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.
It do be feeling this way.
