Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through

you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van

I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.

[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]

Her: Hi!

Him, making a weird face: Hi.

Her: Hi.

Him: …

Her: …

Him: Hi.

Her: Hi.

Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*

This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller

Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge

My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.

Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.

ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?

FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!

ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything

I’ve decided to become a huge sellout and abandon my core values for cheap cash. Who want to buy my values?

…Anybody?

Hmmm… I thought this would be easier.

Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.

Guess that’s the cost of inflation.

The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.

Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.

No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.

Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.

Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.

i may live alone but I keep the toilet seat DOWN in case a woman burglar needs to use it

restaurant
Waiter: Your coffee

Me: Could I have a little spoon please?

Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*

Me: lovely

*novela book bar*

bartender: let me guess books not booze

him: tequila …

bartender: ’bout time here you go

him: … mockingbird

bartender: there it is

“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.

Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band

I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.

*a horse walks into a china shop

“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“

[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]

You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back

My husband just said “I love hearing you laugh” so I asked “oh, do you think my laugh is cute?” and he said “no, it just makes me happy when you’re happy 😊” and I genuinely don’t know how to feel about this answer.

*When you can teleport through your phone*

Hello! Can you here me?

Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.

*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles

I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious

[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”