…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
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Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
Cancer: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.
yes… yes…
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!