…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
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“Unprecedented times” at this point would be if something nice happened like we all got a coupon for a free sandwich
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
After cooking show a dishwashing show with same host but kind of drunk.
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
Good news: multiple library patrons have said they love my Halloween costume. Bad news: I wasn’t aware I was wearing a costume.
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
This election could drag on for days. Unless someone captures the Snitch, then it ends immediately.
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry