…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
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*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
Pat Sajak: I’m Pat Sajak.
Me: Jack.
Pat Sajak: No, my last name is Sajak.
Me: Jack.
I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting
*during sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
💀💀
they’re putting me through the penny flattening machine at the zoo
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
a badder mouse
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
War & Peace
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
wtf
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.