…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
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Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
Anarchy
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
“what’s it like having a sister?”
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off