Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.

Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.

if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute

Some people exercise every day.

I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.

My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.

[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]

Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT

Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*

Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?

Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*

Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*

Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*

I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.

*At the bar*

Me: What do you have on tap?

Bartender: Bud and Bud Light

Me: I’ll have a Coke.

Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron

Nurse: Where does it hurt?

Me: *Points to heart*

Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!

Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*

*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake

My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.

Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.

I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.

-Everyone’s mom

Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.

Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.

That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.

[Orca Winfrey Show]

ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!

AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*

Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.

I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”

*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*

Map: I have a boyfriend

Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.

[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”

Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?

When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”

That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.

Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.

When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.

There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.

His name was Tom.