And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
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Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
Him: If I am the King of Diamonds *pulls out ring*, will you be my Queen of Hearts?
Me: Put that away before you meet the Queen of Clubs
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”