And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
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Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
The news in a nutshell.
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
One of my kid’s friends was talking about how he told his dad about a cool new group called Bon Jovi
No you didn’t, 9 year old lol
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
I’m quiet and not good at confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi: Beth & Greg, Why The Fuck Did You Have To Get A Rooster?
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*