And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
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In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
*calls into work*
“yo boss i’m real sick”
“you don’t sound sick…”
“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”
“wow u do sound hella sick”
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
Me: Yes and No.
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
Me: whoa look at the size of that spider!
Hostess: want me to get you a tissue for it?
Me: why…did it sneeze?
who is hiring in nyc? i need 350k a year and i have no skills and im not likable most days
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
going to therapy is like having someone walk around your brain and going “ohhhh this is how you’re living?!”
“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now
{at the dentist}
Hygienist: Let’s just have a look
Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.
Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.