And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
You Might Also Like
One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
grandpa said he didn’t want a fuss
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
Why procrastinate now when you can always procrastinate later?
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
“Hope you’re enjoying the sunshine!”
No, I’m at a desk reading your email.
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”