And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
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if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
I’m aging like a fine banana
twitter is a journey
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
Dudes wash, shampoo, condition & rinse in under three minutes while women take a shour.
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
getting groceries
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
Me: Don’t you get sick of playing the same video game for hours on end?
Son: No.
Me: *hasn’t looked up from Twitter feed in 12 years* that’s so weird.
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
you could hypothetically power a vehicle using a strong enough hot dog gun
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
Only Americans understand
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!
Me: 🙁
My chameleon: 🙂
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again