And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
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If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?
Teenage me: definitely.
30s me: Wait, what
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
Trainer: How often do you exercise?
Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?
T: Uhhh sure.
M: Ok then still not that often
I took my wife to an orchard and we stood there staring at trees for more than an hour…
Apparently this was NOT the apple watch she was expecting for her birthday
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
welp
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
My guardian angel deserves a raise
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
So, this is how my day is going. How about you?
Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat