Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

She was REALLY feeling it.

My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..

I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.

[Lab]

MONSTER: What is my name?

“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”

MONSTER: But that is your name

“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”

*Sneezes*

Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk

If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.

My 4yo came home carrying a bunch of rocks. I was like “where are those rocks from?” And he goes “Pangea” which I guess isn’t wrong but I would like him to be more specific.

I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.

Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.

“I’ve never wished a man dead, but I’ve read some obituaries with great pleasure.”

— Mark Twain

At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”

So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?

dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles

Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.

Getting ready to go on vacation is just me making sure the house is super clean so that if we get robbed, the robbers can say “they don’t have shit but these countertops are amazing!”

If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”

Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name

At my last colonoscopy I had the doctor write a note to my wife stating that my head was NOT up there…

Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.

[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]

Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?

I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.

Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.

The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.

No surprise that a third place is with relationships.

I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.

Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.

[heaven]

god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.

cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish

Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions

“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”

– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers

[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?

When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.