And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
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Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
“your account balance is low” brother wait until you see my will to live
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
they’re putting me through the penny flattening machine at the zoo
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
#ParentingFacts
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!