And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
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Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.
I met a married woman today, she’s been married for 45 years . I asked her what’s the secret – how did they do it?
She said they the secret is that her and husband never wanted a divorce at the same time
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.
*pogo stick inventor* I got you.
HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
Every time I’ve gone to the pharmacy for a prescription it feels like it’s the first day for everyone who works there and also for the concept of a pharmacy.
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
nicole kidman being in a film called babygirl is actually perfect cause it’s like another version of her last name
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
the way this pissed me off… 😭
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?