and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
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Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
I
N
D
ᴰ
ʸ
ʸ
ʸ
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
How dare this person in traffic delay me by mere seconds on my way to a location that doesn’t require my immediate presence
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!
“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini
Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.
My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
omfg can’t draw but I was just biking on some country roads, saw no one for miles. I loudly greeted the farmers dog at the exact moment a silent road cyclist whipped past. he definitely did not see the dog. he definitely thought I called him a puppy. I will never forget his face
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.