“and how does that make you feel?”
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Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere
Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
One more week not killing my basil plant so I’m a farmer now
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
I have worked as a chef for over twenty years, and I can confirm that the “correct” way to cook scrambled eggs is whichever way makes you happy.
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”
💀
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
[at auto shop]
MECHANIC: can I help you?
ME: my car won’t start
MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse
ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
apple needs to start giving headphones for free again because if i have to hear that “oh no no no” tiktok audio out loud on the train again im gonna start tying people to the train tracks
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..
….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes