“and how does that make you feel?”
You Might Also Like
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?
*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*
Any time I throw up, I stare at it like I’m getting a message from the past.
My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat
Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?
Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
her: what do you do for a living
me: I can’t tell you
her: like a spy
me: no I’m an eye doctor
her: oh an ophthalmologist
me: yeah thanks I don’t know how to pronounce it
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did