“and how does that make you feel?”
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Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
I tried to take a picture of myself in the shower, but my camera kept fogging up.
I have selfie steam issues.
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.