“and how does that make you feel?”
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Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
They say college doesn’t prepare you for real life but it taught me how to get vomit out of practically anything and as a parent that’s literally my most valuable skill
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
me: hi do you take walk ins?
funeral parlor director: what?
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.
[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages