Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[wedding day]

fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer

me: but he’s my best friend

[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]

“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”

The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge

NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”

GM✌🏻

Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today

[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”

Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.

Orange cat behavior 😂

there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job

You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On

Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?

Oh…

*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*

Better?

Always give 100%

unless you’re donating blood.

me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?

him: no, cash only

First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.

It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.

[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere

There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.

Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.

This is now my favourite pie chart ever.

Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t fun

How’s your summer going?

DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*

Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?

Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.

me: I always follow my moral compass

friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass

This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.

Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?

Because he had gnocchi

*quietly waits for the reply guys

Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.

Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.

Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.

Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.

Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.