Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.

Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.

I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same

there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick

MEDIA: These mysterious ruins may hold unknown secrets!

ARCHAEOLOGIST: We actually have a pretty decent idea wh-

M: Archaeologists are stumped!

A: No, we have a good amount of evi-

M: Was it even humans?

A: Yes. Yes it was.

M: Perhaps we’ll never know!

A: *screams*

Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.

Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?

Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with

[making dinner]

Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me

Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about

[Creation]

God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!

Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?

G: *throws a rock*

A: Sick shot!

G: Next time, apes

I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.

Thanks YouTube

If you pull this stunt in front of me at security stg I’ll call the cops

i don’t think it’ll all fit in there

If the first thing you do in the morning is checking your emails, you’re starting your day with other people’s problems

Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.

Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.

KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait

Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.

My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.

boss: you know what’s weird

me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?

boss: how the flin— yes exactly

This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”

Friend: What’s your favourite season?

Me: Of which show?

Friend: 😐

Me: 😶

Friend: 😕

Me: 😐

Me: 👀💭

Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.

I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…

waiting for me in the fridge at home.

At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.

blocked him on everything and he shared a google doc with me😭

#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral

Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low

the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things

[couples therapy]

Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!

Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.