Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?

WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know

Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.

me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there

me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts

June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.

Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”

I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.

I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.

its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads

Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.

my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp

I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!

(2022)

my nickname in college

How to draw a duck

Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.

#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!

Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’

Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’

I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.

why do men always think “looking for fun” means sex ? Wat if i want us to draw

I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…

Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19

-Prime Minister

I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min

Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.

Of course I support real issues.

I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement

I had two werewolves inside me, but I lost them both, so now I have wherewolves

*ad for swiss army knife*

Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?

[Anteater eats some termites]

[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”

I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.

the events of babygirl are so interesting to me. i wish new york was real