Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Hey look, a corn maze!”

– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze

Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope

Doctor: stethoscope

Me: I’m pregnant

Him: OH NO

Me: with emotion

Him: oh, whew

Me: because there’s a baby inside me

Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.

Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No

“I need to print something from my phone.”
“There are a couple ways we can try to do that.”
“I’d like to pick the way that will take the most time, with the most opportunities for user error and the lowest probability of customer satisfaction.”
“That is the most popular option.”

i don’t get it when people say they are only a “little” angry, i am either not mad or will murder you

Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.

Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?

No sir, it will be round.

#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

seminar…

Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*

My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.

if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?

When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.

Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!

Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.

If you kill the question, what do you bury?

The question remains.

Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019

Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.

Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.

Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.

It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”

My rock bottom keeps refreshing

[parking garage]

FBI: got the file?

Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]

FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing

[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]

A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.

used the phrase “it’s actually a secret third thing” in response to a question from my dissertation committee yesterday and nobody laughed, rip

I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..

*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*

What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.

Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.

i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM

Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.