Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.

Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.

6: you’ll always be my mom right?

me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!

6: what if you’re dead

me: wtf

I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.

Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..

My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.

my retirement plan is braless

It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.

last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anyway

next year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner

Animal Control just came into this Dairy Queen looking for a raccoon. I said nothing, and passed another chicken tender to the guy in a mask under my table.

A manager I worked with when I worked in fast food told us.
There was this one kid who didn’t show up for work. He ditched work often, so the manager called around, and couldn’t get anyone to fill in his shift, so she had to fill it for him.
A few hours into his shift, the dude ditching SHOWS UP, with his friends, and orders food from that manager. She fired him on the spot

I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.

Dear people who think every tweet is a “subtweet” about you,

IT’S NOT.

except for that one from earlier

maybe?

Regards,
Ry

me: hey siri

siri: (long, deep sigh) what

Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you

First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.

Me: dang those wings were spicy

WebMD: you have cancer

Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn

WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ

computer: enter new password

me: munster

computer: password must be stronger

me: limburger

computer: stronger

me: Jake Paul

computer: stronger

me: AxeBodySpray

computer: password is too strong

[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager

I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”

[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]

*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*

I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!

dads on road-trips be like

We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment

I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.

2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

(I’m not deleting this)

MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze

I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.

People are always saying “not today, Satan” but what if we just hear him out

I took a girl back to my flat.

“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.

“What gave it away?”

“The scissors, mainly.”