“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
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I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
Beards are a privilege, not a right
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
whenever i hold a baby i say “god i want a baby. i just wish i knew where they come from” & it kills every time
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*
my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant
me: *eye twitch intensifies*
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
Some people can start a task and then just finish it instead of trying to do a hundred things at once like a squirrel on crack
Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.
Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.
My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby
Her: Head held high
Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
Help me. I just emailed someone called Colin and it autocorrected to Colon. I called him Colon. I’ve sent it, it’s too late. Just saw it now. Do I apologise or act like I don’t know. Is anyone else here called Colin. Does this ever happen? What are your expectations?