Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.

A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.

[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho

DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips

ME: why?

DAUGHTER:

ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it

I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.

It’s true.

After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.

I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.

I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?

Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.

‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.

Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise

Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.

So you heard that after I won several cuts from the butchers in a card game, I got back home to the farm to find out that one of my female sheep was questioning the existence of tropical cyclones, and you want to know if its true?
Well that’s four meat Uno, and ewe typhoon doubt.

Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…

My wife: …so what do you think?

Me: wait… what?

If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”

The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.

The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.

If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.

dogs are toddlers

cats are teenagers

[At my seance]

Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely him

Friend 2: How can you tell?

F1: He spelled “your” wrong.

Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.

Me: My computer broke

IT guy: What have you tried so far?

Me: Everything

IT guy:

Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing

If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.

cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.

[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that

If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.

Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.

I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.

If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science

They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.