“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
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turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”
– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
soup is great for when you’re starving but want to still feel starving afterward.
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
Me: I don’t like scones.
British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.
Me: What do you mean?
British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-
Me: I dont think you like scones either.