Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*works from home*

*files claim for hostile work environment*

Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.

I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.

Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.

I hate having a ton of anxiety and no energy. It’s like having a tank full of gas and no engine

my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?

therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?

me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters

therapist: get out

Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.

dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health

My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.

Laundry:

Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.

Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met

Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job

I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger

Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.

Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.

Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.

velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery

scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery

My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…

So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.

My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.

[CPR dummy coming home from work]

WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?

DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job

SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it

[a light glows in the corner]

ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?

Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see

[Christmas Party]

*opening my gifts*

Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago

I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.

When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i can cry

professor x: on command?

me: no just when i’m sad or whatever

professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?

me: nope

professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?

Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying

And I can cry without chopping an onion

Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin

Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car

kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum

mom: who?

kid: grandma. she’s coming back

mom: honey grandma died years ago

[urn falls off mantle]

mom: get the—

kid: —vacuum?

I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.