And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
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I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
#oldknees
[working at the DMV]
Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?
Boss: *sweating profusely*
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”
[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
Saying “3 twins” is wild.
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
[a melon-choly exchange]
Honeydew you love me? Let’s run away & get married
Cantaloupe. My parents would kill me
*annnnd, scene*