And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
You Might Also Like
I think it’s funny when people talk about the placement of a hair part being in or out of style, like thanks for the info but my hair does not involve me in any of its decision making processes.
It was a drink directly from the bottle kind of day
Opens the bottle of hot sauce
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?
You go home because it’s your favorite one being used
Math is easy
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
as is their right
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
If you want to avoid dementia, choose parents without it in their genealogy. Science shows everything is genetic. Especially intelligence
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
“i am a sweet baby”
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
Wow, that’s-
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.