And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
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Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
Hahaha
I mean…it’s true!
#facts
#tattoo #tattoos #employability #funny #bananabeltbetty
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
how I feel after a shower
versus how I look after a shower
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people