Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.

I love when the IRS asks if I’ve lived in a state of emergency or disaster area in the tax year like every year hasn’t been a state of emergency or disaster area.

I triple waxed for this?

Love triangle? You mean this Dorito?

I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.

Me: When’s your break today?

Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM

*doorbell rings*

Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch

knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’

wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake

Full moons and eclipses are best captured with either a fancy lens or high quality mushrooms.

Sneaking up behind people and marrying them

in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star

I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.

Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.

It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.

This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.

Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.

*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*

me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*

When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.

the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell

He instantly became one of the bros

*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*

I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now

They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.

my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”

All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.

Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.

I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.

I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”

love it when they get my name right

i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton

Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.