And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
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Most people think “as the crow flies” means ‘straight’, but it actually means ‘like an asshole.’
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
At the International League of Assassins
Me: Do you guys have a summer internship or is it mostly “on the job” training?
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
Most fashion shows these days…
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
If caterpillars can become a melted sack of goo, and turn it around to become fabulous, so can you
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
Love when a doctor emails me about my “outstanding bill” if it’s so good why don’t YOU pay it
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
When you’re here for the treats.
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.