And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…

Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.

Me: Oh ok nevermind.

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missed connection: I sneezed near the cough medicine at 711, you dropped your wine and ran away screaming into the night


How we’re different…

You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.

I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.


“Are you sure this lawyer is good?”
Yeah, why?
“He pronounced sue like sway”


*On deathbed*
Me: Will someone make that beeping stop?
Wife: I GOT IT!!!!
*pulls plug*
Nurse: You only had to press the mute.
Wife: I know.


GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!

WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates

GOD: um ok

*dinos die, man appears*

GOD: wtf


No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.


I asked my wife if we could get a hot young nanny. Of course she got mad and said “No!”. For one thing, we don’t have any kids…




“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”

“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”

“I think I need to ice something”

“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”

– sex in your 40’s


Me: Try this chocolate chip.

3 year-old: Okay!

[gives him coffee bean]


-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.