@TheRolo

And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…

Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.

Me: Oh ok nevermind.

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@AbleLikes

missed connection: I sneezed near the cough medicine at 711, you dropped your wine and ran away screaming into the night

@AimeeHelene1

How we’re different…

You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.

I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.

@NicestHippo

“Are you sure this lawyer is good?”
Yeah, why?
“He pronounced sue like sway”

@ZBH94

*On deathbed*
Me: Will someone make that beeping stop?
Wife: I GOT IT!!!!
*pulls plug*
Nurse: You only had to press the mute.
Wife: I know.

@BlindChow

GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!

WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates

GOD: um ok

*dinos die, man appears*

GOD: wtf

@longwall26

No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.

@Laddy42

I asked my wife if we could get a hot young nanny. Of course she got mad and said “No!”. For one thing, we don’t have any kids…

@wendchymes

“Ouch!”

“Ow!”

“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”

“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”

“I think I need to ice something”

“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”

– sex in your 40’s

@HomeWithPeanut

Me: Try this chocolate chip.

3 year-old: Okay!

[gives him coffee bean]

3: UGH, YUCK!

-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.