@TheRolo

And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…

Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.

Me: Oh ok nevermind.

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@Stellar_AF

Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails

Me: sounds good

Sent from my iPhone

Sent from my iPhone

@Storminika

It’s not cool to skip on dating someone who talks funny — just because your english is gooder than theirs be.

@CornOnTheGoblin

[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again

@joetullar123456

What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car

@TheMichaelRock

Me: Be back after lunch!

Boss: OK

Me: *texts boss APRIL FOOLS LOL*

*goes home, turns on baseball*

@abbygov

Once I told a man he looked like Jeff Goldblum & he was like “who’s that?” So i pulled up a pic &he said “oh my what a compliment he’s very handsome.” Then as he was walking away, my friend walked up to me & was like “I’m pretty sure the guy you were talking to is Jeff Goldblum”

@Livsey1

If a crackhouse is filled with love, it becomes a crackhome..

@stanleybehrman

I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.

@aligarchy

*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW

*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER

@DarzieDAMN

It’s not that I accept the Terms and Conditions. It’s just that I would rather not spend the rest of my life reading them.