“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
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Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
This dude got his own movie?
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
a badder mouse
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.