Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will

GOD: Done.

ANGEL: What is it?

GOD: A penguin.

ANGEL: So it can fly, right?

GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.

ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?

My husband met us at the park and surprised me with a large iced coffee and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I just had a large iced coffee so now I’m vibrating and going to piss myself

Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before

If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.

I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.

With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.

We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.

[Job Interview]

INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference

ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid

did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip

Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?

Patient: I can’t say I do.

Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.

I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…

I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.

Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app

My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)

Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life

Dog: that is correct

Millennials are “quiet breathing” on company time, often inhaling AND exhaling at the office

Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.

Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.

If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards

*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store

If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.

[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?

[typing ellipses for a solid minute]

HER: yes

I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’

Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.

Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂

You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.

LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry

Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.

*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night