And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.
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I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. ☹️
I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost and I’ve decided to initiate legal action against Universal Music Group (UMG) and Spotify
I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
forgive me baja for i have blast
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
I have a new favorite meme page
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.